These Are My Confessions
I am tired of faking it.
“Look at Dustin. Boy, he has everything together. What a perfect life!”
Truthfully, that is what my pride feeds off of. I do whatever I can do to make sure I look “okay”. I sacrifice important things like my relationship with my wife, my time with people, and transparency/true connection with others because of this ugly self-preservation mode I get in.
I wrote about “colliding with Christ” on Monday. Oh how I need that again in my life!
A little about me…. in my best Usher voice, these are my confessions:
- I sweep things under the rug to avoid dealing with conflict that “makes me look bad”.
- I avoid bringing up “issues” because I am fearful that it shows a sign of weakness.
- I isolate myself and don’t seek out connection with other men because I think I can manage by myself.
The appearance of self has been so important to me. I’ve looked at it as this crucial piece of my identity and, quite honestly, I can’t keep it up. It’s exhausting. I just can’t do it.
I get angry.
I am impatient.
I am inconsiderate.
I have impure thoughts.
I am selfish.
But…. I am thankful.
I have a Father who is always there for me.
I gave a wife who loves and encourages me.
I have friends and family who will support me.
I don’t have to do this alone.
I can embrace an identity as Abba’s child… right now.
Not sure the entire purpose of this post, but it has been my life these last couple days (scratch that, these last 29 years). It is where I am at.
I am specifically seeking out a collision with Christ. I desire change. I can no longer simply be okay with resigning to the fact that “this is who I am”. This agreement will be broken. In the past, I would have tried to break it myself. Now, however, I chose see that is God who will bring me though.